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SCAA and the SMAA(A Satire) by The SCAA show in Like wildfire they spread the word on the convention floor that Starbucks and, in fact, most specialty stores were spending more for milk that they were for coffee! GOOD HEAVENS! As the dairy farmers stressed, “You're really not in the coffee business, you're in the milk business, and we're afraid we will have to ask you to change the name of your association. From now on it will not be SCAA, but SMAA, the Specialty Milk Association of America.” Coffee people, in effect, accused of really being just milk men and maidens, rushed to the show office to collar the authorities and see what could be done about this weird turn of events. An old friend seized me in one of the aisles, and in an obvious state of panic shouted, “This could be a total disaster.” “Maybe it’s not so bad,” I replied. “Milk has always been
considered the best of all foods in terms of nutrients. Besides, just about all we consume is
produced right here in More people began to gather around us. “But what about Fair Trade,” demanded an earnest looking young man. “ Soon we were totally surrounded by special interest people. Besides a couple of the farmers, there were representatives of various organizations dependent on the coffee business – the Bird Friendlys, the Shade Growns, the Closed Canopies, the Triple Seals, the Quadruple Seals, the Coffee Kids, the Organics, the various Water Process decaf types; they were all there. “But what about these causes we're promoting? We'd lose everything we've been working for,” exclaimed one of the Bird Friendlys. “Not so,” I ventured. “Cows are bird friendly. Have you never seen birds riding on the backs of cows in the pasture?” “What about organic? You can’t have organic milk, can you?” came a question. Here an old farmer took over, “Hey, no problem. We can make sure our cows are fed on organic grass and oats.” “But coffee is Atkins Friendly. You can’t say that about milk,” said one undernourished looking young man hopefully. “No problem,” the farmer replied. “We will make sure the
cows are purebred One coffee grower in the crowd, his face a mask of panic, asked how anyone who insisted on high grown coffee could be satisfied with plain milk? The farmer was ready. “As far as high grown milk is concerned,
we have cows in “What about organic farming. Don’t cows hurt the ozone layer, contributing to global warming?” “You have to roast coffee, don’t you,” asked the farmer. “Doesn’t that throw heat into the atmosphere?” “Yeah,” came the reply, “but we have afterburners to remove the smoke and the smell.” Taken aback for just a moment, the resourceful farmer quickly recovered, “No problem. We'll fit the cows with afterburners to get rid of the flatulence problem.” It looked like total surrender would be the only answer for the poor specialty coffee advocates. As one disgruntled SCAA member put it, “If it’s the milk that counts and not the coffee, then I guess SMAA is inevitable.” Copyright 2004 Stuart Daw
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