In a
bold move to bolster the sagging
Ukrainian economy, President Viktor
Yuchenko has announced the issue of a
business licence to ARI, a private
consortium who will implement cutting
edge technology in the coffee industry
that has potential for export markets.
Ukrainians have always been fond of
their coffee but have been faced with
the advent of spiralling gas prices
which had a profound effect on roasting
costs. Indeed, this year’s recent spat
with the Russian Federation who
temporarily cut off gas supplies to
Ukraine in a bid to “freeze them into
submission” has forced the former Soviet
Republic to look elsewhere for energy
sources.
Borrowing heavily from expertise
developed at the Kiev Institute of
Nuclear Technology, the consortium has
developed a small scale atomic
roaster. “This roaster will not only
eliminate the need for natural gas (the
fuel for most roasters world wide), but
will also result in no green house gas
emissions” noted ARI (Atomic Roasters
International) spokesperson Sergi
Glowkov. The main obstacles to over come
have been with the “micro reactor” and
the ability to learn effectively the
procedure for operation without any dire
circumstances. Mr. Glowkov explains that
this was achieved by using a lesser
known atomic isotope derived from
Neptunium. The rate of decay with
Neptunium (atomic mass of 237.048) makes
for a more stable medium which should be
completely controllable, even within the
confines of a traditional roasting
plant. The beauty of using Neptunium is
its relative abundance in spent fuel
bundles from thermal nuclear reactors. Glowkov
further went on to explain that by
finding a use for what normally would be
sealed in subterranean vaults for eons
provides for enormous environmental
benefits.
Early
trials have proven successful with
roasts taking unusually short periods of
time (measured in seconds, but actual
times have not been disclosed). As a
further benefit, if the coffee is packed
and shipped soon after roasting, it is
possible to achieve a steaming hot cup
of coffee using cold water in the
brewing process without any other heat
source but the coffee itself. “This has
tremendous benefits for those who cannot
readily access heat sources for boiling
water” says Glowkov. While marketing
plans have focused on Europe and the
Americas, there has been unusual
interest in the new roaster in North
Africa.
Not
all people who are aware of the new
technology are as enthusiastic as ARI. “We
may need to rethink our marketing
strategy” conceded Glowkov. Indeed, it
seems some environmental groups have
already launched a campaign to stop the
atomic roaster. Based on early reports,
the Anti Atomic Roaster Coalition (AARC)
is gearing up to counter ARI with
demonstrations and slogans like “No
meltdowns, take the lava out of my
Java!”
Undeterred, Glowkov is buoyed by his
first firm order from an unnamed
independent coffee roaster in Los
Alamos, New Mexico.
Released by Associated
European Press International
© April Fool's Day 2006 by Brian Martell
(annual April 1 satire)
