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MORE COFFEE HUMOR:
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A Little Coffee Humor...
Caffeinated Ponderings On Life, Laughter & Lattes
Excerpts from Shana McLean Moore's 2004 book
(reprinted with permission)
WHY IS IT THAT…COFFEE IS LEGAL? (BUT I'M SURE GLAD IT IS!)
Whenever I reach a state of caffeinated nirvana, I stop to ponder how
something that makes me instantly soothed and perky can possibly be legal. The
mere idea that the Surgeon General could order those magical beans off the
shelves and out of my life has me scheming towards the type of stock up that
even Costco couldn't supply.
My fear is
that these thoughts alone make me something of a textbook junkie. This is
particularly clear when I confess to fantasizing about my next fix before the
one I'm savoring has neither been finished nor gone cold. But before you go
coordinating an intervention, please concede that there are benefits to spending
time with a grown woman who indulges in such a deliciously harmless vice.
My husband
sees the advantages so clearly that I'm afraid I might soon awaken with the
tubes of a House Blend IV lodged in my arm as he tries to speed up my morning
metamorphosis. For now, without the benefit of a slow drip of drip to jumpstart
my day, he's stuck with a grumbling and disheveled woman who stumbles out of bed
at the insistence of two annoyingly playful cubs. Before my eyes can even focus,
our girls are ready to don their jazz pants and dance to the Pure Disco CD. At
this hour, the music of my youth sounds much more like Pure Hell.
The actress
in me does her very best to be impressed by their lead-footed jetés as I gulp
down that first cup of the day. Within minutes…Yeah! Mom here is back in action.
I'm ready to fix breakfast, pack lunches and, after a rare good night's sleep
and an especially dark brew, even bust a few dance moves with the girls.
I refer to
the euphoric time period after my first cup as B.C. (Blissfully Caffeinated). It
is when the cobwebs clear and the feeling of hope returns to my normally happy
and optimistic persona. This, my friends, is the most enjoyable yet dangerous
time of day. You see, the day is new and the caffeine is pumping through and
putting the spice back in this Spice Girl. Oh, the things that I am going to
accomplish today! Sure the house is a mess, I have paper work to do and the
refrigerator is empty. But why not invite some friends over for dinner? It's
only 8:00AM and dinner is some ten hours away. No problem!
Click here
to read more at
www.caffeinatedponderings.com
"Wacker Street Blues"
Written sometime in the
1980s by Stuart Daw
On my first visit to Chicago, I
rented a car at O'Hare and began driving downtown on Kennedy Blvd. Heading for
the Loop, I found myself on North Wacker St. After driving a short distance
further, I realized it was now South Wacker St. A right turn put me on West
Wacker and a U-turn later I was on East Wacker. As I entered an underground
street, I was surprised to see the sign "Lower Wacker," but soon the
car rose back into the sunlight and I was on Upper Wacker. Enough is enough!
But I had to laugh out loud as I
looked to my left and saw the street sign, "Wacker Place." This was
too much! So I thought of a lyric tying into the NAMA show that might sound
good, recorded by a voice like Roger Miller's (remember "Trailers for sale
or rent; rooms to let 50 cents"?) Anyway, here are the words:
WACKER STREET BLUES
Coffee's mah bag 'n' ah love it
so,
Come from Mississippi fer the coffee show.
Lookin' for Mich'gan Avenue and mah hotel suite,
But all ah seem to see is Wacker Street.
Ah got the North Wacker,
South Wacker,
East Wacker, West Wacker,
Upper Wacker, Lower Wacker,
Wacker Wacker Blues.
Sure could get excited 'bout
this ol' cow town,
Sinatra, Mrs. O'Leary and Leroy Brown,
Come ta see the coffee show, 'n' beat the southern heat
But all ah seem ta see is Wacker Street.
Repeat Chorus
Come all the way from Jackson
in mah new deliv'ry truck
Come t' see the coffee show, learn how t' make a buck.
Wanna meet the NAMA folks, they sound real neat,
Ah know they got their office here on Wacker Street.
Repeat Chorus
Ever'body's comin' here to have
some work 'n' play
With other folks belongin' to ol' NCSA
Ah sure could use the Hyatt House, a bed 'n' some clean sheets
But all I seem ta see's these Wacker Streets.
Repeat Chorus
Gonna have a solid year, this
show's a real good sign,
With all the coffee people from the other 49.
Ah fin'ly found the Hyatt House, bring on the fun 'n' booze,
With all that we got goin' here, there's jus' no way to lose.
But ah fin'ly did lose
Those North Wacker, South Wacker,
East Wacker, West Wacker,
Upper Wacker, Lower Wacker,
Wacker Wacker Blues.
© Stuart Daw
You know you are drinking too much coffee when...
You can "out-yip" your chihuaha.
There's more grounds than soil around your garden plants.
You make coffee ice cubes for your iced coffee.
You eat coffee jello (or coffee agar for coffee-lovin' vegetarians).
(The above four are courtesy of Ruth Gagliano)
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
All your kids are named "Joe."
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic
stirrers.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast forward.
People can test batteries in your ears.
You don't get mad; you get steamed.
You
don't tan; you roast.
Some "Punny Ideas"
Some people say that puns
are the lowest form of humor. But good punsters say maybe they're jealous
because they can't think of any. What do you think about these coffee-flavored
puns?
When someone asks, "How's business?" you can respond with an old industry
joke, "It's a daily grind, but it's perking up!"
(Thanks to Chris Colomb of C.E. Colomb Co. for this one)
If you are tired of saying, "It's fluid, but
there's grounds for improvement," maybe you could try, "We strain
to do our best."
Or, when someone asks if your coffee is good, "It's
so strong, you couldn't fall asleep at awake."
And when someone suggests doing the same old thing, "Bean
there, done that."
Or, when asked if your coffee is the proper strength,
"If you can't stay awake, we have the perfect solution."
Send us your puns. We need
help!
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